I have reached a phase of life in which I currently know more pregnant women than non-pregnant women. I’m serious. Something is in the water, and EVERYONE is expecting.
I was pregnant with my oldest daughter 6 years ago, so talking to most of my single, 24-year-old friends about pregnancy meant I might as well have been speaking French. I love those ladies, but telling them about childbirth was almost hilarious. They could not wrap their heads around everything my body did to bring my first-born into the world. These same women who avoided pregnant me like the plague a few years ago have gotten knocked up. Ironically, they have also become experts on all aspects of parenting over the course of their first trimester.
Listen up, mommies-to-be! Recently, a few in your ranks have felt the need to express their opinions on what they deemed right and wrong in regard to how some of us are currently parenting our living, breathing children. Let me just take a moment to say, in the kindest way possible, that you don’t know shit.
You can read all the books in the world during pregnancy, but absolutely NOTHING prepares you for what is to come. I am not trying to scare you, I am just trying to help you understand that you are wasting your time and energy focusing on everything that doesn’t matter. What matters is that everybody is healthy and happy. Sometimes making decisions based on what is perceived to be the best for mom and baby, before you even give birth, is setting yourself up for some cruel disappointment and misery. Not to mention, the way you pass judgement (Based on what exactly? An article somebody shared on Facebook?) may be offending or hurting some other moms.
Congratulations, mommies-to-be! You are embarking on a magical journey of self discovery and growing a teeny tiny human! Time to start glowing and embracing that bump! Now let’s prep you for cold, hard reality with a little pop quiz, covering some of the topics that are most frequently going to piss you off as you head into parenthood.
1. Are you married?
No: Suit up! Because the wrath of the Christians and Catholics will fall upon you, sinner. To hell with you and your demon seed! (Bonus point if you eventually get around to getting married so your parents and grandparents can sleep at night.)
Yes: You win this one, according to most of society. Plus you still have a shot at making it into Heaven after you croak, ya lucky duck! (Bonus point for being smart enough to look gorgeous in a wedding dress before pregnancy destroys you.)
2. Are you planning to have a natural childbirth?
No: You know your limits. Good for you!
Yes: Good luck. I also thought I wanted a natural childbirth, until I got a taste of active labor. I have two carefully chosen words for you: F**K THAT.
*Bonus point for realizing it doesn’t matter how you plan your delivery, because there is absolutely no way to predict how that train wreck is going to go down. Just try not to be terrified by your own body.
3. Are you going back to work after you have the baby?
No: Hope you have a skin thick enough to deflect all the demeaning comments about lazy stay-at-home moms, because we basically do nothing all day. The household pretty much runs itself, so we can pursue all kinds of leisurely hobbies. It doesn’t matter if you leave a career in neurosurgery behind you, everyone assumes you are a gold digger who popped out a kid so you don’t have to work. Now you can drink wine, do nothing and get your nails done like the rest of us stay-at-home mom slackers! Congrats on taking your life nowhere!
Yes: You don’t win either. The good old “women stayed home to raise their families in my day” guilt trips are just the tip of the iceberg for you. People are going to weigh in on your childcare options – “Ugh. She sent her kids to daycare. THE HORROR.” – And no matter what you choose, someone won’t like it. If you are lucky enough to have a relative watching the kids for you, there is now an awkward household dynamic of “Grandma knows best” VS. “Mommy knows best”. So good luck sorting through all that while trying to break through the glass ceiling.
4. Are you planning to breastfeed?
No: Oh man. I wish you well, because people are going to hate you for this. You might hear the phrase “breast is best” more than you hear your own name. Avoid all mommy and me classes, because you and your formula fed monster are going to be shunned from them anyway. How dare you make the selfish choice to feed your baby that liquid poison?! No bonus points awarded for a valid medical excuse, because nobody wants to hear about that anyway. What matters to the world is that you aren’t feeding your baby the magic elixir known as breast milk, you sad excuse for a mother.
Yes: You win everything. You are going to have prettier, smarter, more athletic children. They are going to grow up to be world champions, and you can go ahead and pat yourself on the back someday, knowing it was your breast milk that got them there. They will have such a head start thanks to your maternal sacrifice. Until you actually have the baby and start breastfeeding. And find out it hurts – Hurts really bad. Then your nipples start to bleed, and the baby screams for hours on end because it takes 5 DAMN DAYS for your milk to actually come in. Your milk supply might increase, eventually. Your body will *probably* make enough milk. Breastfeed for life!
So did you pass the quiz with flying colors? Fail miserably? Who knows, right?
Because the truth is, you just don’t know until you actually give birth to that tiny human. You can read all the crap pregnancy and parenting books you want, and judge the way all of us moms are currently doing things. You can watch me discipline my 3-year-old and make a vow to never handle a situation with your own child in public like I did. You can watch me feed my kids a happy meal for dinner and secretly promise your unborn child that its sacred digestive system will never know the horrors of a chicken nugget. You can sneer at the thought of me throwing in the breastfeeding towel and switching to formula, while you pat your growing stomach and tell your baby that you would never give up like I gave up. That’s perfectly fine with me, because I know you are going to eat all those words someday.
I, like you, had a birth plan, breastfeeding plan and overall understanding that I was going to be the best parent ever. I already knew exactly what was going to happen because I researched everything. Funny thing about pregnancy, delivery and newborn babies: YOU MIGHT AS WELL TOSS ALL OF YOUR PERFECT PLANS RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW. That kid comes screeching into the world, and turns it upside down. You better just be ready to survive.
I hope you get everything you want out of your pregnancies, deliveries and newborn days. I hope all your well-laid plans unfold like you dream they will. I hope you really are the best mom ever, and I can someday learn from you. However, I need you all to know that if you abandon one of your strictly laid plans, I know it’s because you are surviving. If you aren’t always the best mom ever, I know it’s because you are human. If pregnancy and delivery wasn’t rainbows and roses, I know it’s because you were misled into thinking they would be. The reality of childbirth is unpredictable and messy, leaving you with a transitioning body and tiny newborn that are both even more unpredictable and messy. I’ll be the one to understand that and support you, because I lived through that. Twice.
So my lovely, glowing mommies-to-be, don’t judge us moms too harshly and be careful with your words. We are the ones who will be here to support you on the other side of this journey you’re on. Everybody wants the absolute best for their children, but it is impossible to know what is best until faced with reality. None of us truly know what the hell we are doing in this crazy world of parenting, but I bet all our kids (maybe even my formula fed ones) are going to turn out just fine.
If you liked this post, you will also love reading “The Perfect Mom Quest”.