I recently read “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing” by Marie Kondo.

As a friend put it, “Uh oh. Was it food to fuel your inner organization monster?”

The answer is YES. And it was so awesome. I don’t know if there are many things that can top the wonderful feeling of throwing out your own belongings. I get high as a kite off of each perfectly organized closet. Every time I open my dresser drawers I feel a surge of happiness. The KonMari way is magic, I tell you! In case you have been living under a rock and don’t know what I’m talking about, here are some links to catch you up:

• Here is an illustrated guide to the KonMari Method.
• Here is Marie Kondo explaining the method to her tidy madness.
• Here are 8 tips to decluttering the Marie Kondo way.
• Here are 7 tips to help you organize the KonMari way.
• Here is a quick lesson on the proper way to fold your shirts.

All caught up? Good. Now order a copy of this book and come along with me on this journey of eliminating beautiful garbage from your family’s life!

So it all started when one of my girlfriends sent me a seemingly innocent text. It went something like, “OMG. You will love this organizing book. I just bought it, and I think I’m going to try it.” So of course, like any good ‘murican consumer, I purchased it on my Kindle immediately. I did this for 3 main reasons:

1. I am not one to pass up recommended reading. I love to read. Period.

2. After I googled it, I realized it was fast becoming a pop culture “thing”, and I just love having a good pop culture thing to talk about.

3. Because Amazon just makes it that easy. I love Amazon.

It sat on my Kindle for a while. Then I got around to actually reading it. I read a few paragraphs and got instantly annoyed. I have a *slightly* competitive nature. I need to feel like I am the champion of my own life, and kind of hate when someone suggests that I *may* be operating on a flawed system. Therefore, I have serious issues with self-help books, or basically people telling me what to do in general.

This book was no exception.

Let me just say, I had what I would have called an organized house. I regularly (at least twice a year) would donate and/or throw out unused or forgotten items. I firmly believed (Still do!) every item in your home should have a “home” – and most of the things we owned did! I never cleaned up my house by dumping stuff in bins to “sort later” – including toys. Each toy was stored in organized bins and shelves, with all their parts and pieces. Blankets and towels were folded a specific way. My throw pillows would be lined up in their assigned order on the beds and couches.

(Side note about my love for decorative pillows: When we moved in and I decorated, I spent hours rearranging pillows into every possible combination on every bed and couch. Once I found the combination of pillows that looked best, that piece of furniture was assigned its forever-toss-pillow-order. The entire room benefits from a well-assigned toss pillow. Why my husband cannot remember the pillow order assignment IS BEYOND ME. My 5-year-old knows how the pillows go, but he is a grown man and can’t remember?! So his solution is to just throw them on the furniture all pell-mell, annnnnd it annoys the HELL outta me. So now you know that. You’re welcome.)

When I straightened a room, items would go back to their strictly assigned home, and the balance of my world was restored. You didn’t look around my house and see clutter. I was doing just fine. This Marie Kondo chick is going to try tell me that my house is a hot mess? I wanted to invite her to dinner, show her my house and say, “SEE?! I’m doing just fine, thank you very much. Now get out.”

True story.

However, my competitive nature ALSO makes it damn near impossible for me to quit anything, including books I hate. I will see those suckers through to the last page, hate every minute of it and then yell at anyone who will listen how terrible that book was. (Many can vouch for this, since most people who know me were innocent victims of my “Fifty Shades of Grey” and “Twilight” warpaths. I still can’t stand hearing women swoon over that pointless, awful crap.) So I forged ahead, determined to hate this Marie Kondo and all her opinions. I swear I almost lost it when she disclosed her dislike of sweatpants. Yup. She really does hate sweatpants. Maybe she isn’t human. She says, and I quote, “If sweatpants are your everyday attire, you’ll end up looking like you belong in them, which is not very attractive. What you wear in the house does impact your self-image.”

Biiiitch, please. I shower, put on a clean pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, go to sleep and WAKE UP DRESSED. If you can’t see the beauty in that, then keep your organizing arts and opinions on the other side of the Pacific.

Despite my being determined to finish this book and then mock the crap out of it, Marie Kondo won me over. Little by little. I found myself imagining what my own dresser drawers could look like, trying to remember the last time I actually checked what was beyond the mass of coats in the front closet and wondering how much stuff was hiding in all the deep crevices of all bedroom closets. I couldn’t help thinking about the boxes in the shed that weren’t important enough to unpack when we moved into our house 2 years ago, but were still sitting out there with who-knows-what inside. While cooking dinner, I suddenly realized my kitchen utensil drawer had become kitchen utensil DRAWERS. As in 2 full drawers of kitchen utensils. Not to mention, the specific utensil I was looking for was missing. I had 4 pizza cutters. Who needs 4 pizza cutters?! Not someone who can’t even find a spatula.

Those drawers became the most annoying thing.

I negotiated in my mind that it is not admitting defeat to spot a flaw in my system. I can rearrange 2 drawers. No problem. Then I’ll just take a nonchalant tour of the house and assess our belongings. I’ll investigate some closet corners. I’ll be the one who decides if I need to embark on the KonMari journey. It will probably be fine. Then I can tell everyone that this book is a sham, and that I am still the master of my organizational domain.

Holy crap.

Literally. Crap. It suddenly surrounded me. The garage, shed, rooms, closets, cabinets, drawers = FULL OF CRAP.

Marie Kondo won.

I was defeated, and so it began. The clean-out to end all clean-outs. Stay tuned! 🙂

***A previous version of this post referred to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In order to avoid confusion, this post has been updated to reflect that wanting to be organized and tidy does transfer to a medically diagnosed condition. Apologies to anybody that was previously offended by the misrepresentation of OCD.***