Fantasy football.

The mortal enemy to wives everywhere. It makes our husbands essentially useless for 1 full day and 3 full evenings per week. It encourages gambling, smack talk, beer drinking and sports bar frequenting. If your husband is nice enough to avoid those shameful activities, then he is most likely zoned out on the couch at home with (at least) 2 tablets or laptop computers monitoring fantasycast and the TV tuned in to the most important game of the hour. Hey, at least he is home to help if you need it, right?

HA! Such bullshit. It annoyed me to no end.

There I was, in the throws of new motherhood, just trying my best to keep the infant and toddler alive. The house was looking acceptable at best, I was exhausted from getting up four times the previous night and my nipples were throbbing from this morning’s cluster-feeding. My toddler spilled her juice (for the second time) while simultaneously pooping her diaper mid-lunch. The infant was screaming to be fed yet again, (Are you kidding me?! How can she possibly be hungry?!) and it turns out I DON’T CARE IF IT’S NOON ON A SUNDAY IN SEPTEMBER! If he so much as checks his phone for football scores, I will file for divorce so fast the papers will be served by 1:00.

I didn’t used to be this way. We used to enjoy football together. We attended games and sports bars on Sundays. We celebrated big fantasy wins as a united front (His win was my win!) and watched games live instead of from the DVR. I even wore cute Bears apparel instead of spit-up-stained yoga pants.

I was a different girl before I became a mommy. Parenthood roared her sometimes ugly head, and turned me into a “momster.” How dare my husband care about something other than our children?! Those kids consumed every waking (and sleeping) minute of my life – so they damn well better consume his too. Nothing should be allowed to take away from someone’s shared responsibilities as a parent. It is definitely not fair to expect your wife to spend half her weekend working just as hard as she does during the week while you loaf around checking scores and ripping on your friends. Man up, husbands of America!

With that being said, I am going to let my fellow momsters in on a little secret:

Those years of Sunday Hell are limited! There is light at the end of the tunnel, and eventually your Sundays will be fun again. So turn your tired faces up to the autumn sky and let that cool sunshine fall upon them!

In a few short years your kids will be able to eat real food without assistance. They will be fully potty trained and sleeping through the night. They will even be capable of entertaining themselves for an hour or two. You will have time to get some laundry done and straighten the house before the games start at noon.

It will get better, and when it does, join a fantasy league.

I know what you are thinking, “Say what?! Start playing fantasy football? But I loathe fantasy football!” Girlfriend, you are wrong. You hate your husband playing fantasy football. YOU playing fantasy football, however, is amazing. Now you can care just as much about the games as your husband. You are going to have to take turns tending to the kids.

“Babe, don’t you hear Emmy screaming for a snack? I have Foster and Lacy both playing right now, so you better go take care of that.”

Magic.

You get a little secret thrill when your team wins, because you did that. You researched your players and pulled an amazing second-stringer off the waiver wire as soon as his first-string counterpart was declared out for the season. You get to sit back and watch with pride when your quarterback throws touchdown receptions. Suddenly, all the games are important – not just the Chicago game. You have to keep an eye on your whole team. Thursday night? Bring on the hot wings and beer! Sunday? There will be chili in the crock pot all day! Monday night? Can I get a repeat on the hot wings and beer?! There are football games to watch, babe! Fantasy football brings marriages together – Unless it is the week you play each other, in which case I recommend declaring the kitchen as neutral territory, because the living room is a battlefield where shame is left at the door – Other than that week, your husband and you can cheer each other on during wins and support each other through some tough losses.

For example: There I was on a Sunday morning, projected to win 120 to 88. I swaggered into the living room at 11:55 AM, sat back and put up my feet, feeling confident and ready to soak in my impending, glorious victory. Suddenly, to my horror, I was watching in hopeless despair as both my best running back and quarterback went out in the first quarter with injuries. Then, choking back tears of frustration when I saw the final score for my defense was NEGATIVE FREAKING FIVE. That sealed the deal on this unforeseen loss. My quarterback, running back and defense combined scored me a whopping -1 points that day. My total score that week was 37 damn points. I am shuddering with embarrassment thinking about it: The worst loss ever recorded in fantasy football history. That was a bad time for me, but you know what? It just brought Cody and I closer. He was there to pat my back while gently murmuring, “It’s OK, babe. You can’t win ’em all. You can hit the waivers Tuesday morning and pick up some good replacements. Don’t worry. You can still make the playoffs with a couple losses under your belt. Here you go, have a glass of red. I’ll order pizza for dinner.”

I felt so much better after that. He really knows what to do to cheer me up. I just love him.

Sooooo, momsters…..Are you still hating on fantasy football??? Didn’t think so. Go ahead. Join a league. Fulfill your competitive needs. High five your husband as you bask in your hard-earned victories and come together as a couple in your losses. You never know, you might even win some cash in the end.

Cash you can use to buy a new football Sunday outfit that doesn’t have spit-up stains on it. Ahhhh. Sweet victory.